Taken from my blog post September 22 2004 in memory of my first and forever love Jonathan Brandis

What drives a person to slice his/her wrist to let the life blood out? What torments him/her so unbearably that the only way out is through downing a whole bottle of pills? What could be so bad in your life that you think jumping from a high-rise building is so much better than to continue on with life? What make you hang yourself? In short why do suicides happen? I'm writing this particular blog because I just learned, from reading a letter in today's paper, that Jonathan Brandis hung himself sometime last year. This bothered me imensely. I remembered him as a happy golden-boy that didn't seem to have the propensity to take his own life... just goes to show that you never know... I was reflecting on this after I finished reading the touching letter (written by JB's fan), and I thought about all those times that I either tried or contemplate on commiting suicide. The first time I tried was when I was 16, the second when I was 17, the next 20... 3 attempts that never got anywhere. Maybe it just wasn't my fate to die that way. I never really tried to kill myself after my third attempt, but the thoughts come sometimes... It comes when life is not going right, it comes when failure seems to rule my life,  it comes when everything just gets too be to much for me to bear... It is heart breaking really, when your life gets to a point where you rather see it end than go on living. Heart breaking for you, heart breaking for your loved ones. For you, it means that you have cut-short your life.  You've cheated yourself of years of LIVING, of seing the world change of watching your family and friends graduate, fall in love, fall out of love, get that first job... so many joys and new discoveries that you would miss out on because you took the easy way out. And for your family and friends, it is hard enough to lose the one they love to death, without that death being orchastrated by you. they'll be thinking, what did we do wrong? what could we have done that would have stopped you from becoming that desperate? You will leave them with guilt, remorse and a peaceless life. And it's not even their fault. It is never anyone's fault but your own if you chose that path. After all, no one told you to do it... no one. I know sometimes life just seam meaningless . And sometimes you feel as if in the grand scheme of things you matter not one whit. That you could cease to exist and no one would notice... But, my friend, suicide is never the answer, no matter how trapped you feel, no matter how defenseless youy think you are, no matter how defeated you are... suicide is never the answer. NEVER. Life has a way of working itself out. There are always two sides to life, the good and the bad. If you seem to be endlessly subjected to the downside of life, just take heart and remember that life has to balance itself out and you're bound to run into some good things soon. Never give up. You don't want to be responsible for breaking a lot of hearts. You don't want to be the cause of misery in your loved ones lives... just hang in there and remember, 'It is always darkest before dawn.'