Because I never let you go

The day I fell for you at age 15, was the day I let go of everything there is in me.

I have love you ever since an never knew how to stop... I don't know how to find my way to you Taj lord knows all I ever want was to build a life with you.l..

But waiting and doing nothing hasn't don't me much good.

Do you have any idea how much I miss you... how much I wish I was in your world? How I wish I'm dead instead of right by your side?

The countless nights I spend hoping we could be finally togethere? The years I spent, pretending I've moved on.... Tariano Adarylll every prayer I every said was for you to be in my world.....

But such is life that we don't always get what we want....   I can't believe some woman married you.... seems like I've loved you since I was 15.... practically half of my life Taj.... Stupid.... I AM NOTHING. I hVE nothing,

TQ for being spectactular always. 

YASLEH HANI WATI MAT YASSIN

Taken from my blog post September 22 2004 in memory of my first and forever love Jonathan Brandis

What drives a person to slice his/her wrist to let the life blood out? What torments him/her so unbearably that the only way out is through downing a whole bottle of pills? What could be so bad in your life that you think jumping from a high-rise building is so much better than to continue on with life? What make you hang yourself? In short why do suicides happen? I'm writing this particular blog because I just learned, from reading a letter in today's paper, that Jonathan Brandis hung himself sometime last year. This bothered me imensely. I remembered him as a happy golden-boy that didn't seem to have the propensity to take his own life... just goes to show that you never know... I was reflecting on this after I finished reading the touching letter (written by JB's fan), and I thought about all those times that I either tried or contemplate on commiting suicide. The first time I tried was when I was 16, the second when I was 17, the next 20... 3 attempts that never got anywhere. Maybe it just wasn't my fate to die that way. I never really tried to kill myself after my third attempt, but the thoughts come sometimes... It comes when life is not going right, it comes when failure seems to rule my life,  it comes when everything just gets too be to much for me to bear... It is heart breaking really, when your life gets to a point where you rather see it end than go on living. Heart breaking for you, heart breaking for your loved ones. For you, it means that you have cut-short your life.  You've cheated yourself of years of LIVING, of seing the world change of watching your family and friends graduate, fall in love, fall out of love, get that first job... so many joys and new discoveries that you would miss out on because you took the easy way out. And for your family and friends, it is hard enough to lose the one they love to death, without that death being orchastrated by you. they'll be thinking, what did we do wrong? what could we have done that would have stopped you from becoming that desperate? You will leave them with guilt, remorse and a peaceless life. And it's not even their fault. It is never anyone's fault but your own if you chose that path. After all, no one told you to do it... no one. I know sometimes life just seam meaningless . And sometimes you feel as if in the grand scheme of things you matter not one whit. That you could cease to exist and no one would notice... But, my friend, suicide is never the answer, no matter how trapped you feel, no matter how defenseless youy think you are, no matter how defeated you are... suicide is never the answer. NEVER. Life has a way of working itself out. There are always two sides to life, the good and the bad. If you seem to be endlessly subjected to the downside of life, just take heart and remember that life has to balance itself out and you're bound to run into some good things soon. Never give up. You don't want to be responsible for breaking a lot of hearts. You don't want to be the cause of misery in your loved ones lives... just hang in there and remember, 'It is always darkest before dawn.'

Justin Come Home

Darling when you are gone all I ever am is lonely and empty.

I know we have been separated longer than the recent tour dates... and you are just tring to keep me safe.. but I am pregnant Drew and it's a bad pregnancy... I am afraid of miscarrying..

So please come home for a day or two and just hold me and hold tight cause you know I am INCOMPLTE without you within me I cant find no rest... where I'm going only you know, husband +JustinBieber +Justin Kidrauhl +Justin Bieber Germany 

Alone and missing you,
Yasleh Hani Wati MY.

God, so very sorry Nicky!

DAMN!

He did it that BASTARD. THAT EFFING INTRUSIVE SEWER RAT.

Please remind me everyday... i am gone everyday. Everyday I slip further and further away from US. I am terrified GENE.

Please NGC. I love yo SVM LSM. MVPPZPCHAD 4thIL@DTHRN.
@------ you left me DRT still alive in my head.

And no one can ever take that away from us Darrel. ???? Right? You were at a friend's place?

Baby please never LEAVE me. I fear I am going to lose this WAR. BE strong my darling cause I am obviously on auto-pilot.

$$$$$44444444 6666666 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000@----------2------------@-----------------------456

Leave US Alone.

1. Nick come please
2. I am falling apart without you here in my heart.
3. Pray to whatever Deity there is that we will WIN this
4. Adam and Eve: Destiny
5. Love you forever after
6. Losing my faith in our love
7. Don't let me be the last to know that love is DEAD

Always yours Nick

I know I am afraid and insecure and I have forgotten you for 17 years... but you know deep down in my secret heart you never left me and that I have always loved you and it hurts that we have been separated for so long.

Letter 120

If the world only know the truth about the secret pain I've been carrying for 17 years... it hurts Taj.. loving you and feeling as if we could never be together when I know you love me just as much as i love you and all you want is for me to be happy... but i cant. I don't know how to be... I love you so much but I can't ever be that girl you fell in love with when you were 22. I am not her anymore Taj. I am broken and you can never fix me. I am sorry